[2/4] The Fresh Start Series: Relationships

Assalamu alaykum dear friend,

Welcome to Episode 2 of The Fresh Start Series!

Today’s episode may just be my favourite of the series because… I love Love 😮‍💨😆

I am a lover at heart, and I don’t know who I would be if I didn’t love so much!

First things first 😁 I have to tell you what I just learnt 🎉

The word “relationship” comes from the Latin word relationem, which means “a bringing back, a restoring.” Do you know why this definition is soooo exciting to me?!

Relationships require fresh starts! It’s part of the package.

Relationships require us to bring things back to order between us. To restore stuff. To start over…

The thing with relationships is, it’s not just you dealing with you alone. It’s you and another human being, and so it’s not always up to you to decide what your relationship with people will be like.

Allah tells us in the Qur’an… (hold on, why do I already feel teary? Lol!)

Ok. clears throat. Allah says…

“…and let them pardon and overlook. Would you not like that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.”
[Qur’an 24:22]

SubhanAllah…

• Isn’t this such a… “it’s ok, just let it go, Allah will handle it all, just relax”… kind of ayah?

• Isn’t this such a… “do this for My sake, not for their sake”… kind of ayah?

• Isn’t this such a… “I’ve got you”… kind of ayah?

The thing about you and me, is we hold on so tightly to what people did, said, assumed…

But if you think about it, we’re the ones who suffer in the end because

• 1) the other party moves on with their life, and

• 2) we walk around with ‘ughhh’ feelings inside of us, even when we try to act as if we’re ok.

My point is… Relationships matter a lot.

When they’re good, things are great. When they’re not, things get quite bad.

And yes, I know some people are kinda sorta messed up 😁 which makes people like you want to be closed off from the rest of the world, but I promise there’s a whole side of humanity that isn’t that messed up.

That being said…

You and me must (MUST!!!) respect ourselves enough to not take rubbish from people.

Yes, forgive people… but forgiving does not mean “go back to the person or place that hurt you.”

No, no, and no. Just no.

You can forgive, you can have fresh starts as and when it’s needed, but please use hikmah (wisdom) in your dealings with people.

And remember to constantly ask Allah to help you navigate the terrain because these things are not straightforward. At all!

May Allah grant you the most beautiful relationships with people who always remind you of Him, ameen.

Ok. I want you (and me) to start by reflecting on where you are now regarding your close relationships (the ones that matter to you), where you’re trying to go, and what you can do to get there.

Healthy relationships are soooooo needed for our well-being and survival.

(Yes, survival!)

I’ll be sharing 4 main reflection categories below — please keep in mind where you are now, and where you’re trying to go regarding these specific reflection categories.

And of course, you can reflect on other major categories that come to mind.

Ok, let’s get into it. Bismillah :)

1. Communication

Reflection Questions:

How effective is your communication with the people closest to you… Your spouse, kids, parents, or even your roommate?

Are you really and truly listening to them?

Are you expressing yourself clearly at home, at work, etc, and making your needs known?

Action Items:

• Make a conscious effort to practice both active listening AND expressing needs (and check out the resources below)

  • Expressing Neds

  • Active Listening

• Book suggestion:

  • How the Prophet SAW Corrected People’s Mistakes

2. Appreciation

Reflection Questions:

How often do you let the people around you know that you’re grateful for them and appreciate them?

Do your top people feel valued and loved BY YOU?

How about people who work for you (helpers, employees, etc.), but make a huge impact on the smooth running of your life/business…? Do you let them know that they make a difference in your life?

How about your children, friends, siblings? Do you tell them you appreciate them?

Action Items:

• Make it a Friday habit! Express gratitude to your people with a handwritten note, a thoughtful message, or a simple "thank you, I appreciate you.”

• Acknowledge the qualities and actions of people around you and let them know how much you appreciate them.

3. Quality Time

Reflection Questions:

How much quality time do you spend with the people who matter the most, including those who are long-distance?

Are you present and engaged when you do get a chance to spend some time together?

Action items:

• Schedule activities or block time off on your calendar for family/friends/social. Be fully present during these times.

• Have a specific time during the day (or week) where everyone puts devices away. Use this screen-free time for meaningful conversations or to do something active together like games, puzzles, cooking, etc.

• Book Suggestion:

  • Make Time

4. Showing Up

Reflection Questions:

Do you really show up in your closest relationships, such as with your kids and spouse? Like, reaaaally show up?

How intentional are you as a parent, as a partner, as a daughter, sibling…?

Do you dig deep to look at the gaps inside yourself, and do you work hard to close or reduce those gaps?

Action Items:

• Reflect on how you can be more present and engaged in your relationships
  (pro tip, sometimes your lack of presence starts with just a little more self awareness, self compassion, and self care)

P.S. What’ll make me smile so wide right now is if you reply to this email to tell me which of the action item(s) you’re going to try hard to implement this week, inshaAllah :) 🎉

Love + Du'a,
Maryam